OBITUARY: The English language passes away...

As I write this, I don’t claim in any way to be the master of the English language, and you must be finding my blog pieces full of glaring grammatical mistakes. It is only that all of you have been very kind to overlook them. For me, the English language, or for that matter any language, when read or heard, must feel good to the ears and the heart. One need not be either a Wren or a Martin to be able to use the English language well. And by inventing the Windows and MS word, Bill Gates has been correcting all my spellings for me; sometimes he even corrects my grammar. But often, when I have spent a lot of effort constructing a good sentence, he underlines it with a stupid green line, which when right-clicked says quite irritatingly: ‘Fragment: Consider revising’ (what the hell!). Having said that, I must add that the way some people use the English language is no less than murdering it pitilessly. Such usage is often a good source of amusement. I remember a primary school teacher we had, and he used to teach us math so no big deal here, who one fine day ordered a harried student in the class, ‘Open the windows and let the climate come in.’ Even with the miniscule knowledge of English language then, we had  a muffled but hearty laugh at that one. More recently, when I used to be a post-graduate student in orthopedics, and the night-duty nurses used to send us emergency calls for the in-patients duly written in call registers for documentation, there’s an incident when one on-call doctor was summoned by a nurse with this note in the register: ‘To, doctor on call: Patient xyz is unable to pass urine. Please come and pass urine. Thanks.’ Imagine, she thanked the doctor in advance for that!  Then there was this swanky car I saw parked in a busy street with the red doctor’s cross and all. A sign hanging from the back registration plate read: ‘This car belongs to emergency doctor on call. Please don’t park yours in my rear’. No, I won’t. I’m pretty straight. Then there’s an email doing rounds highlighting some hilarious (mis)use of the English language. In India there is a penchant among people for decorating the rear windscreens of their cars with names of themselves, their wife, and children- awkwardly written in bold italics on the glass. ‘Bittu di gaddi’ is an example in Punjabi. One Indica had this written in the centre of the rear wind-screen- MAHABOOB. Obviously, he meant MEHBOOB, but what he wrote made him more famous than he had hoped to become by scribbling his name behind his car. The photograph of his car’s behind must have reached a million people across the globe, with registration number and all. Imagine all the phone calls he must be getting!  A sign outside a furnishing store read- ‘Bed Shit available’. Oh, yeah? Please pack a dozen for me. I want to send them across to a certain Rehman Malik in Pakistan. A sign outside a wine shop: ‘CHILD BEAR available’. So, who do you think I am? MAMMA BEAR? Another sign read- ‘No parking. Other wise tires will be FLATTERED’. I’m VERY flattered here. A notice outside an apartment building read, obviously to ward off hawkers: ‘Salesmen and Hookers not allowed’. Now, I want to live in this neighborhood. A placard at a garment sale said: ‘LADIES BOTTOMS -Rs 199 only’. Quite cheap; I want to buy a few...

There are so many more such examples and I could go on and on. And I’m sure you all would have similar interesting tales to share. So, go ahead and place your comments with some hilarious ones!