Indian Road 'Ways'

Driving on Indian roads is an art. The skill needed to be able to drive and survive in India is much more than has been deemed obligatory by the Road traffic Authority. That is why, perhaps, the regulatory authority is absolutely carefree about issuing driving licenses. They have almost a come-and-take-it kind of attitude. My wife, who procured a driving license for a four-wheeler in 1997, is still learning how to drive a car in 2011, and her license won’t expire till 2017. In fact, I often think why have a licensing authority in India at all? Half of the motorists don’t bother to get themselves a driving license; and those who do, procure it only to use it as a ‘photo-ID’ in matters of more importance like opening a bank account or getting a mobile phone connection. It is a common sight to see children barely ten years old zip-zapping on their gearless two-wheelers, scaring the wind out of unsuspecting motorists and pedestrians on the way. And it is now a fashion statement for teenagers well below eligible age to race their parents’ expensive cars and SUVs on city roads (the fashion statement being more for the parents than the kids). The poor traffic cops on duty don't bother stopping these errant kids knowing only too well that a few phone calls would in fact endanger their own chances to that already elusive departmental promotion.

PUC, or ‘Pollution Under Check’ certificate is only a tool used by the cops for extorting bribe from the motorists not possessing it, for everyone knows that the possession of such a document means nothing vis-à-vis pollution control. Kerosene-operated auto-rickshaws moving with deafening rattle, spewing tons blinding and choking smoke from their exhaust pipes is a common sight. But if you dare the driver of such a vehicle, he’d quickly pull out a crisp, laminated PUC certificate and stick it on your face. These three-wheelers are often the scariest objects on Indian roads. I call them the ‘Bugs’- from their uncanny ability to dart from one lane of the road to the other like nobody’s business. Such bugs are constant, mobile threats for everyone else on the road. They’d move and stop; change speed and direction with gay abandon. Often overloaded, the bug drivers never use light indicators, or try to give off a manual signal before stopping or taking a turn (the electronic indicators in most rickshaws conk-off out of disuse). The most considerate of the rickshaw drivers would indicate the direction of their motion with their foot peeping out from the bottom of their cubicle, and you should have sharp and darting eyes not to miss such momentary, I’m-doing-you-a-favor kind of a signal. In case of a mishap if you confront the driver for his failure to indicate, he’d pounce upon you saying he did poke his foot out, and it was your fault to have missed it. Next time if there’s a bug on the road ahead of you, keep an eye on the right lower vicinity- a foot could pop out anytime to indicate a right turn (Don’t ask me what they do to indicate a left turn!)

 Then there are big people with bigger egos in their biggest cars. These vehicle owners drive as if the crores they spent on the vehicle included the cost of the roads they’re driving on. I call these cars and SUVs ‘Super-bugs’ as they display the same disregard for everyone else on the road as their poorer cousin- the auto-rickshaw. Only their drivers don’t pop their feet out to indicate direction- you see, they can’t, with the central lock and all.

Helmets don’t serve any purpose in a traffic that moves precisely at 9 kmph in rush hour but then there is a compulsion to either sit behind a wind-screen- like in a car, or wear a helmet and a rain-coat when on a two-wheeler. No, not because the rules say so, or it might rain anytime, but to protect oneself from the rain of guthkha-laden saliva spitted out without warning by the biker ahead of you. This is especially important in the morning hours when you wouldn’t want to reach office with maroon streaks on your pristine, white shirt, not to talk of the ‘scent’ you’d let out.

P.S:

If you’re residing outside India, don’t let your foreign friends read this, lest India loses out on precious tourist revenue.