The Mobile Cacophony

I’ll start with a clichéd, but very agreed-upon statement:- The advancement in technology is a double-edged sword- while it brings comfort and luxury; it also robs us of peace! The particularly nonsensical technological marvel I wish to dwell upon here is the cellular/ mobile phone, or quite simply- ‘the mobile’. Almost a decade ago, in India, the cellular phone made its first grand appearance- huge, heavy and showy handsets from Motorola were the first ones, but despite the inconvenience of handling these monsters, their owners flaunted them with glee. And why not? Handsets the size of a watermelon cost 15-16 thousand rupees- a fortune in those days; and the usage cost was even more preposterous- Rs 18 /min for outgoing as well as incoming calls! No wonder, only the stinking rich could afford mobile phones at that time, which they proudly held in fake leather pouches tucked in worn-off belts under protruding bellies. When in public, they’d let the loud, cacophonic rings play until everyone in the vicinity noticed that a call was being received on the mobile phone. Slowly, days changed and within no time telecom companies cropped up all over the country like wild grass. The resulting price war came to the user’s rescue and we can now get a comfortable mobile phone device in the cost of one month’s usage bill of the year 2000. The reduced usage cost and availability of cheap handsets- by the kilo- enabled my car-wash man to compare his handset with mine:

‘Sir, aapke mobile mein blue wala tooth hai?’

‘Nahi, wisdom tooth hai…chal ja apna kaam kar!’

I stopped displaying my phone in public.

A cell-phone in every pocket prompted another kind of nuisance:- Unsolicited calls and text messages. All you need to have is a bank account and a cell-phone to have dumb-sounding girls, speaking bad English in strong vernacular accent, to call you up dead in the middle of the afternoon when you’re having your siesta, and ask if you needed a loan for house, car, business, child-education, under-garments- anything.

‘Sir pliss, I have very good interest.’

‘No, I have no interest (Go to hell).’

Or they’d call you up and tell you of a multi-bagger stock on the BSE, surely to double your investment in 6 months.

‘Oh, yeah? Why don’t you then invest your 2 rupee in that stock instead of wasting it on this call (you idiot)?’

Initially, like many similarly harassed people, I’d get angry upon receiving such calls and in the event shoot up my blood-pressure and spoil the day. Soon, I realized these call-centre guys are trained to hear abuses and they make no difference to them; they go about their business, calling up the next unsuspecting chap on their list. I then thought of a way of getting even with them. Sample this conversation:

Caller: ‘May I speak with Dr Ish..ti..aaa  queue Anshari?

Me: ‘Who’s this?’

Caller: ‘I’m calling from blue-chip investments, we have a very good investment scheme in the stock market. Do you invest in stock markets?’

Me: ‘Yes, I am Dr’s assistant speaking; sir is very, very interested in investing in the stock market, but please, could you hold for a while? he’s in the toilet, having a bad stomach.’.

Caller: ‘Sure, sir, I’ll hold.’

After this, I’d put my phone aside without disconnecting and go on with my work

Intermittently, every 2 mins or so, I’d pick the phone and say, ‘please hold, the sir will be right back; I can hear the flush now..’

Not wanting to lose a chance to chat up with someone very, very interested in investing in their scheme, the caller would hold for 7 to 10 mins before swearing to himself and disconnecting, probably promising himself never call this number again, much to my relief! Try this trick, it works!